A Deal Gone Bad, 2000
Oil, plastic on canvas
36 x 48 in.
(websafe jpg presented)

This painting is about my processing sexuality as a young man in a over-sexualized era, while also dealing with trauma.

I never witnessed a healthy relationship between my parents. So I sought other avenues of relating or gratification, and one of the most potent was pornography.

I began believing in Vaginal Goddesses who had a hunger for male attention, barely realizing they were acting out of their own dysfunction. So I framed this overt act, front and center, with her dysfunction right next to her head. “MY DAD WAS NEVER THERE FOR ME.”

On the side, I glued in children’s plastic magnet letters, my own dysfunction and why I participated in this psychological meleé. “MY MOTHER IS A HURT WOMAN.”

I used the children’s lettering because it would be about the time in my life when I realized how much my mother was a victim and powerless against my father.

Trauma. The gift that keeps on giving.

TRUE STORY: I first began this painting in a small apartment in the valley of Los Angeles. I lived in a nicer building which seemed to have a rare rodent issue. The management called an exterminator to inspect my apartment. He came and saw this painting which was still in progress, sitting on my easel.

I can tell he was excited by the work. Real excited. He was getting turned on. He still performed his rat inspection duties and then quickly left.

The exterminator returned a couple of days later. When I opened the door, he immediately asked to see the painting and I could feel that he was looking to resume where he had left off. He wanted to sip from the electrically charged chalice of erotic pleasure.

However, by this time the painting was almost done and I had inscribed the pathos of all the parties involved. He read, "MY DAD WAS NEVER THERE FOR ME."

And it was like he saw a ghost. Rarely have I been in the presence of an individual where you can feel the blood flow come to a complete stop and any oxygen leave the room.

This was that moment. And it let me know I had successfully communicated my artistic intention.

Exploring Sexuality and Trauma through Painting